Secrets from the Heart...

I was happy. Or so I thought…

I read my last few entries and I realized I was not happy at all. I wasn’t then and I definitely am not now.

I got the commitment I was after from a gorgeous gorgeous 32 year old guy who literally took my breath away every time I saw him. I was excited to see him. He made me smile every time I saw him and made me laugh every time we spoke. He told me he loved me. I didn’t say it back. The guy is crazy about me. Why didn’t I say it back? Well because his actions failed to match his words.

He said “I love you” and withdrew. Yup. I am in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable guy. Why? Because I didn’t want to be alone.

Do I miss him? Every day. Is it logic? No. Is it love? Maybe. I know its not lust because it would have ended months ago. So why is it that Mr Unavailable consumes my thoughts night and day? Why does he make me want to be a better person? Why does he make me want to live my life and my dreams? It has to be something which makes me want to quit life and run into the sunset with him. He loves living life and I think I love him for living life. I just want to be included in it to *sigh.*

I spent so many months writing an ode to my ex boyfriend who’s name I will not say. In the end of it all, we did share something which neither of us could control. I saw him over the weekend and he failed to acknowledge my existence to impress some fluzy who wore way too much make up for anyone’s liking, and even then, it did nothing for her. I was embarrassed with him.

It got me thinking: what am I doing with my life? I spent months getting over him. I am not spending months getting over Mr Unavailable. Maybe he isn’t the guy for me? Maybe he is. I know that Mr. Unavailable is a man. He completes my life every time I see him and it is horrible that we are apart. I miss him every day and I hope one day, I will have the strength to break down this wall and my guards and have him fall in love with the girl he fell for months ago. 

Recently I posted about a friend and how she was definitely not real or there for me in a time when I truly needed her to be. Instead, she played victim to a situation and relationship which really had nothing to do with her. 

Flashback to Summer 2010 when I was in the stages of rekindling a romance with a former bf (this story really has no relevance as I am no longer WITH that guy but it has significance, I promise!). Around about the same time, she decided she was madly “in love” with a guy who she had known for maybe 5 days. Long story short, Las Vegas, one night stand, she fell in “love,” he got what he wanted. He then lied to her about having a Facebook account when I in actuality stumbled across it (I don’t remember how) but when I told her about it, complete DENIAL. “So, whats your point” she asked me with the MEANEST look in her eyes and the dirtiest glare, as if I had fucked her boyfriend and was laughing at it or something. I was ready to deal with the consequences of this truth. I even had evidence of it. Point being, she didn’t listen and I didn’t care. In contrast with my situation, she tells me some news and cried wolf because she got caught lying, yet failed to present me with any sort of evidence.

This brings me to the next point: being the centre of attention. At least admit it if you do. Don’t be the “oh I hate attention” but secretly love it. Or, “I hate drama I do everything to avoid it” but secretly laugh at people when their lives fail. 

But what makes an attention whore? I think it has to do with jealousy which is a disgusting emotion. I myself found myself having a very envious attitude towards this friend for no reason at all. I enjoy my life. I like what I am doing and I like how I feel, so why am I jealous of a two-faced bitch? I then realized, its probably NOT jealousy, but rather, resentment. Resentment at the fact that her life from the outside seems pretty fine and dandy, and from the outside, mine does too. But I don’t really know what it is like on the inside. In a way, I hate her for ruining things with my ex. Not a day goes by where I don’t think if she didn’t start drama, would we have got back together?? He said probably, but then he said no, but then he said yes. I don’t know. At this point, do I care? Somewhat, yes I do. Is this a friend? Nope. At the end of a breakup, I lost a part of myself which was the guy. I also lost a friend. 
 

They’re the one’s who tell you like it is without hurting your feelings. 

Where to begin. This is all just turning into verbal bitch complain bitch complain. All I have done all weekend is study. I may regret not studying hard enough tomorrow, but that is tomorrow after I write an exam. Its just, there are things which I needed to get off my chest.

Today I had an entire conversation with a friend. He’s an amazingly vibrant, positive person with an amazing outlook on life. We knew each other but magically started talking upon a shared common interest in running and from there, we immediately began to have these deep conversations about life, goals, things to do, dreams and ambitions. Anyways, today we were talking and he is totally the person who is pushing me to peruse my goals, have dreams and drive. He obviously sees some potential and recognized that all I need is a push. I am an intelligent person, I just forget sometimes. I am also somewhat of a chameleon - I tend to blend into the people around me. Every time I talk to him, I just feel so motivated and inspired to change my life for the better (not that its bad right now). Its just, I was in a really bad place for so long. I managed to slowly get out of the funk and focus on what it is that important..myself.

I could tell you stories for days, but in respect to the title of this post, real people, I will share a story of a so called friend who has my best interest at heart. Is she a good friend? Fuck no! First of all, she is the attention seeking whore who needs to constantly have one up on everyone, including me. Maybe this is all in my head, but I highly doubt it. Then, when I needed a friend at an amazingly low point in my life, she decides to cause drama between myself and the guy who broke my heart. Of course, I get stuck in the middle of it. And her response? Well I had your best interest at heart. Bull fucking shit. Not once did she say, “hey lets do this to get your mind off of this breakup,” or “hey how are you doing today?” Instead, she played VICTIM as if I fuckd her over. Long story short, she made up rumours, the ex bf called her out on it and boom, I get stuck in the middle and she tells the whole world he’s trying to kill her and she’s having nightmares about it. She also has no filter and blurted out the rudest things. When I tried to make amends with her (don’t see why I had to but definitely being the bigger person), she didn’t care. Then she attempts to guilt trip me into believing she’s been a great friend and I didn’t notice it. Yeahhhh RIGHT. Good friends catch you when you’re down and don’t make 20 million excuses about how they’re so busy to hang out when they’re clearly having the time of their lives (thanks Facebook and bbm!). Fake little bitch. Do me and this friend talk? Not really. I washed her out just like the other nonsense in my life.

Real people and friends push you and only wish the best for you. Not cause nonsense and then fuck off. Its just unfortunate that some people are just extremely insecure about themselves that they can’t stand or bare to see anyone else happy. Life lessons I’m telling you. Glad I noticed it now rather than later.

Once upon a time, we lived in this amazing world of colour. Where things made sense. Where people had morals, values, principles and something to believe in. People used to make sense. Communication used to be different and people definitely used to be more direct rather than not. Dating used to be different, and it just seemed that it never used to be complicated. Now, all of a sudden, all this technology and non formal communication is ruining our lives. We don’t even know how to talk to each other, share our personal thoughts and have serious conversations. We don’t even know what is crossing the line. There is no “black and white” per se, but rather, everything is some shade of grey.

What IS cheating? See, the definition now varies from person to person. Is a sexy text message cheating?? Is grinding in a club cheating? Is flirting with another person and doing more than just flirt cheating?? See, no one knows. I was talking to a few of my girlfriends and we ended up having this entire debate about cheating. It all started off with grinding up on a guy. One girl said yep, definitely crossing the line, the other said it is not because she grinds up on guys all the time thinking its nothing. But then one of my girlfriends said, intent is completely different between men and women and if you can grind up on a guy and give him a boner, then to her that is cheating because whats the difference between grinding and giving the guy a boner vs giving a hand job? End result is the same thing! Black/white or grey??

From cheating to dating. Is the technology ruining us? I would say so. I’ve basically forgotten how to date. I don’t know how to have serious conversations in real life because I am somewhat afraid of the reaction. I don’t even think people know how to have serious discussions in real life. In fact, I’m as guilty as the next person of this! A few months ago, I went on a few dates with this guy. He called me to talk. I missed his call and ended up texting him back a few hours later saying “sorry I missed your call.” Instead of a “no worries text message back,” I ended up with a rude “you clearly don’t have the common decency to call someone back. I called you and you text me? Whats up with that?” 

He was right. What was up with that? I just simply responded “I have the common decency not to call someone back at 11pm on a weeknight!” End of story. Obviously it didn’t work out with him. We wanted different things and he was just really vengeful calling me “bitchy” and what not. Crossing the line? I think so. You don’t call someone bitchy and then DENY it when I call you out on it.

Regardless, maybe this is my own karma?? Let’s see, gorgeous guy, I called him, he texts me back 4 hours later “sorry I missed your call I was sleeping.” Aww, I bet you were sleeping. Serious conversations?? Avoided in real life, avoided in texts, avoided on the phone. He says he likes me but pays no attention to me until we hang out. But then he said he wants to see where this goes but fails to communicate deeper than daily small talk. So really, where do I stand?? In a shade of fucking grey thats where.

tumblrbot asked: WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU ARE IN A BAD MOOD?

I’m not an angry person so when I am in a bad mood, I like to talk about it with the people who I know will be able to cheer me up. If that doesn’t work then spending time with myself until the funk goes away.

Now this next story I am going to share is just friggin stupid. Like really, why do people cheat?? I’ve been cheated on and it sucks. I wasn’t even upset when it happened to me, just really, really pissed off and had no problem sharing my frustration with him. Basically, he got caught and I called him out on it complete psychobitch style. I never want to be that person ever again…investigative/on edge/untrusting. Now I try and go by “if there is nothing to be suspicious of, then why think there is something wrong.” The only problem with that is I ALWAYS think there is something wrong.

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve had my fair share of relationships. A few serious, but a lot of the guys I have encountered are just guys I’ve had a coffee or dinner or lunch date with, who have shown great interest in me, but me just not be interested in them. Noo, I never go for the nice guys, just the duchebags who leave me confused as ever.

This takes me to a previous boyfriend and someone I’m currently dating you can say. Everyone has a past. Some like to keep theirs secret, while others simply reveal bit at a time things which have happened. Personally, when I am getting to know someone, I’d like to know a few basics, such as, why did the last relationship end? Where are they at now?

My last boyfriend and I fell for each other really quickly. There was a point in the getting to know each other stage where he just blurted and told me everything in his past..previous girlfriends, previous slutty encounters, any sort of fights he got into, wreckless behaviour, drunken encounters, etc. Did I judge him on it? No, not really. I’d say 90percent non judgement and 10percent yes. At the end of the day, everyone makes mistakes and without those mistakes being made, no one learns. Looking back, do I think he learned from his mistakes, probably not. His whole justification of spilling the beans on everything so quickly into our “getting to know each other” was that he said he would rather me hear it from him rather than anyone else. I really do wish him the best of luck finding some woman who will put up with his nonsense like I did. Some call me a pushover, but I just call it love. In contrast, I told him about some random stuff that has happened to me, including in previous relationships and he said he didn’t care or judge. But really, him being the jealous and possessive type that he is, it did matter. It mattered a lot. 

This new person on the other hand, so difficult to read. He apparently enjoys it when I pay very little attention to him. I don’t know how to ask questions about his past and nor has he taken an interest in mine. I think its fine because it is no ones business but my own and the important thing is does the past interfere with the present. In my case, the physical entity of my ex boyfriend is nowhere to be seen. But am I somewhat jaded from past experiences?? Absa-fucking-lutely. I am now thinking in my pretty little head, wow, this guy is not even interested in me. He’s paying no attention to me. And really, why is he single still if he’s that great?? All these dumb thoughts are popping up in my head. I can’t figure it out for the life of me. Plus, every time I have now had a conversations about us liking each other, the subject gets changed so fast. Does this guy have a commitment problem? Probably? Maybe? Who knows. The point has now come in my life where I just don’t have time for bullshit. I am not a stupid person but an intelligent human being. Texting me at 8pm saying “heyyy” “whats join on” it not showing you are interested in me. It is showing your entire day went by without me even crossing your thoughts. I don’t think I am being unreasonable? Or do I have high expectations? 

Clearly, I go after what I can’t have. I don’t particularly want to read the person but from experiences (and not to compare) but every single guy I have talked to and dated, the first thing that gets out of the way is past relationships. Is this because I date only Indian guys and they’re weird and ask all this stuff?? Anyways, I am not going to think of this anymore.

Food-study-coffee-study-sleep-gym-shower-eat-study!