Its been ages
I was happy. Or so I thought…
I read my last few entries and I realized I was not happy at all. I wasn’t then and I definitely am not now.
I got the commitment I was after from a gorgeous gorgeous 32 year old guy who literally took my breath away every time I saw him. I was excited to see him. He made me smile every time I saw him and made me laugh every time we spoke. He told me he loved me. I didn’t say it back. The guy is crazy about me. Why didn’t I say it back? Well because his actions failed to match his words.
He said “I love you” and withdrew. Yup. I am in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable guy. Why? Because I didn’t want to be alone.
Do I miss him? Every day. Is it logic? No. Is it love? Maybe. I know its not lust because it would have ended months ago. So why is it that Mr Unavailable consumes my thoughts night and day? Why does he make me want to be a better person? Why does he make me want to live my life and my dreams? It has to be something which makes me want to quit life and run into the sunset with him. He loves living life and I think I love him for living life. I just want to be included in it to *sigh.*
I spent so many months writing an ode to my ex boyfriend who’s name I will not say. In the end of it all, we did share something which neither of us could control. I saw him over the weekend and he failed to acknowledge my existence to impress some fluzy who wore way too much make up for anyone’s liking, and even then, it did nothing for her. I was embarrassed with him.
It got me thinking: what am I doing with my life? I spent months getting over him. I am not spending months getting over Mr Unavailable. Maybe he isn’t the guy for me? Maybe he is. I know that Mr. Unavailable is a man. He completes my life every time I see him and it is horrible that we are apart. I miss him every day and I hope one day, I will have the strength to break down this wall and my guards and have him fall in love with the girl he fell for months ago.